Eviction Notice

Dear Uterus Squatter,

As of today, you have three weeks to remove yourself, and all of your belongings (placenta included), from my mid section. While I understand why it might be difficult to want to leave behind the warm squishy water bed you have been carried in for the past nine months, my body has just about had enough. I do appreciate you allowing me to skip the whole morning sickness fiasco, and also for allowing my wedding ring to still fit my finger up until this week. However, even these significant acts of kindness cannot make up for the fact that for the past nine months my face has looked like a pizza, my thighs like cottage cheese, and every night I  have to constantly flip my body around like a rotisserie chicken just to get comfortable in bed...Oh, and I can't stop thinking about food!...And I feel like with all the extra weight you've been causing me to pack on, you could have put a little more effort into my...how should I put this....lovely lady lumps. I was really looking forward to the extra cleavage everyone insisted I would get.
Anyway, it's really not so bad out here, I promise. Your dad and I are more than excited to meet you, and your grandparents can hardly wait either. Plus, we have a really great name picked out for you, but we have been waiting for your arrival to tell anyone what it is. So whaddya say, little man? Are you ready to bite the bullet and come on outta there? I just have one more small request....go easy on me, will ya? Or if you can't manage that, at least let us sleep through the first couple of nights after you get here (I hear labor is exhausting). No? Can't manage that one either? Well then I guess I'll just have to settle for you being the cutest baby ever to grace this fine planet (as if you could really help that).
I love you already. Now hurry the @*&$ up.

Sincerely,

Your loving yet slightly hormonal and impatient mother